Alone In The Woods

It's almost that time of the year. I sit and anxiously await it every night on TV and I'm always disappointed when it doesn't come on. No, I'm not talking about the Survivor Show or How To Win a Millionaire or whatever they call it. I'm talking about hikers lost in our woods!

Every fall we have a load of hikers that get lost in the Smokey Mountains. Then we get to spend out tax dollars to send our folks into the woods to retrieve them

I have really never understood how people get lost in the mountains. How hard is it to walk downhill? If you keep going downhill eventually you'll come to a creek or road. Either will take you back to civilization. I have a better idea though, build a fire! All those helicopters flying around are likely to see your smoke. Don't have any matches? Well, there are ways to build fires without matches. However, I figure anyone dumb enough to go hiking without matches is much to stupid to ever figure out how.

So how do these folks continue to get lost in the hills of Tennessee? I hate to say this, since I know at least three of my loyal readers are from New York (New Yawk as they say it)...Most people that get lost down here are northerners. You watch and see, the ones that get snake bit will always have a northern accent. Now why is that? Because local people know better than to go out walking in the mountains in the summer. Local people know better than to sit on that nice soft looking log next to the pile of boulders.

So what is my point in all of this? Next time you go to the mountains watch the people. Oh you can see bears anytime, they'll always be there. But watch for people who can't pronounce the letter R. If you are lucky enough to get a glimpse of this creature commonly called the Northern Tourist take a picture. It won't be long before they're lost in the woods and you can sell the photo to the news media.

So, how do we tell if the creature is a Northern Tourist or the more common Local Tourist?

The Northern Tourist is the one trying to pet the bear at the rest stop. The Local Tourist is the one in the car pointing and saying, look at that fool!

The Northern Tourist can easily be identified by his clothing. Without a doubt, the will be wearing Bermuda shorts, as they had no idea its thirty degrees cooler 5,000 feet up in the mountains.

The local tourist is sitting at the rest stop eating Kentucky Fried Chicken, while the Northern Tourist has ham on rye with tea.

The Northern Tourist may also be identified by his mode of transportation. They usually travel in large Winebagos.

I've often thought if I were a criminal (and I'm not) I would rob people in the Smokey Mountains. I would put up a sign on one of the trails that says "Free Capucino" that points off down in the woods. I would then stand about a mile down in the woods and wait on my customers.

Oh, I don't even know how to make capucino, but that's not the point. I would stand there confident that a Northern Tourist would soon be along totally lost of course. How will I know it's a Northern Tourist? Because A) Local people know better than to get off the trail and B) Local people have enough sense to drink their coffee black and not accept fancy coffee from some stranger out in the woods.

But anyway, I'd stand there in the woods and wait. When the Northern Tourist came along I would offer to lead him back to the trail for all the money in his wallet. Of course, he would call me a name, but I'd point out I wasn't the one lost in the woods, I knew where I was at.

Then, after he gave me all his money I would point him the wrong way deeper into the woods and set him off. Shoot, it's a whole mile back to the trail, and besides that if he get's back to civilization he'll tell people what I did.

Oh, I guess he could get rescued anyway before some bear has him for lunch. But I'm betting after two or three days of wandering around in the woods he would have no idea how to find me again.

After all, how smart can he be? He thought some guy was giving away free capucino in the woods.

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