I Plead Insanity

I never knew you could be elected a lawyer! Right here in Knox County a guy was just elected Law Director! I always assumed you'd have to go to school or something. Not once did I realize all I had to do is make people like me!

I have always lived under the assumption that 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name. In my experience with lawyers personally, I can't say I've ever seen anything to make me think highly of any of them. That 1% must live in Alaska or something.

But, I got to watching this tobacco lawsuit in Florida. It's where these five lawyers won 300 Billion (that's with a B) against the evil tobacco empire. A strike against the giant for the little men of America. Then I read farther and found that the average American smoker can expect to profit thirteen cents from this settlement. While the five lawyers made more than one hundred grand an hour for three years! Ouch!

Now, which side do I want to join? I can smoke, get cancer and cash in for thirteen cents, or I can become a lawyer and make one hundred grand an hour. Hmmm let me think, okay I'll take that lawyer job! Forget me ever growing up to be a fireman or garbage truck driver. No sir, the real money is in lawyering!

I sat through several trials a couple of months ago here in Union County. When the trials would start I'd be the only guy sitting in the audience. The judge kept looking at me like possibly I had some business there. I figured I would lend some moral support, so every time the judge looked at me I'd either nod, shake my head, or give him the thumbs up! Lasted three trials before I got tossed!

Anyway, as I sat there I developed a stradegy that I think could make me better than Matlock and Perry Mason combined.

I noticed one of the lawyers kept standing up and yelling objection. I think I would do this a lot, especially if I seemed to be loosing. But I noticed after this lawyer did it several times, everyone quit paying attention to him. He'd stand up and yell objection, and the judge would just wave his hand for him to sit back down. Clearly, this lawyer had lost everyone's attention. If I ever see this happening to me I'll stand up and scream BINGO! Then when I have everyone's attention I'll make my point. Clever huh?

If I got the defendant on the stand and wasn't getting anywhere I'd begin to badger him. I'd ask him the same question over and over until the judge made me quit. I'd do this with each and every question. Finally, I'd annoy everyone so much, I'm certain the judge would just lean over and ask the defendant "Can't you just tell him you did it?"

I'd consult with other counsel about matters I didn't understand. If other lawyers won't talk to me I'll buy one of those yellow Lawyering for Dummies books. Everytime I hit a snag in my case, I'd ask for one of those time outs and consult my book.

If the lawyer for the other side started making big points I would stand up and tell the judge I'd lake to make a motion on behalf of my client. Once permitted to have the floor I would motion my middle finger at the prosecuter.

If the person on the stand was totally destroying my case, I'd have to object. Of course after my Bingo exclamation, the judge might not permit any more objections from me. I guess I could stand up point at the witness and scream "You're Crazy."

Then if I hadn't caused enough mayhem to get my client off I'd start filing written motions with the judge. I'd stand up in court and ask the judge if I could file a legal brief on behalf of my client. Once granted permission I'd start taking off my pants. I'd apologize to the judge if my briefs were dirty as I hadn't done laundry in a while.

But most of all I'd charge my clients by the hour. Each hour I'd stop the court and tell my client he owes me another $20. Cash of course, you think I'd take a check from a criminal? He better hope I have him off before he runs out of twenties or he's changing his plea to guilty.

Something tells me with ideas like this I was just cut out to be a lawyer!

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