The Deer Stalker

Now, I'm not one of those liberal bleeding hearts that feel killing any animal is wrong. No, sometimes, killing an animal is a necessary evil that all of our species must endure. If my family was hungry, I would have no problem killing a deer for food. If raccoons ever learn to drive cars and one pulls out and cuts me off in traffic, I could pull the trigger.

But one thing I've never understood is deer hunting. It's hard work and it seems nobody that does it, enjoys it. Even when they shoot one of the things, they complain about having to drag it out of the woods.

I asked one guy why he does it and why he's getting his son involved. He explained to me that deer hunting puts his son back in touch with his heritage. Further he explained that deer hunting taught his son how to handle a gun.

Two points here:
1) If you want to teach your kid about living off the land, the way pioneers did, why don't you spend time teaching him to eat bark and pick berries?
2) I can see a need to teach a kid how to use a gun. One day he may be called on to defend his home against intruders. But, possibly could someone explain bow hunting to me? Do we think that our son will one day grow up and have to defend his home from an attack by Custer?

However, never let it be said, that I don't keep an open mind about such things. No sir, I decided to give deer hunting a try.

At four in the morning my friend and hunting teacher pulls up to my house. Why four in the morning? Are there more dear in the world at four in the morning than say...twelve noon?

He starts putting all my worldly possessions in his truck. I explained to him that I didn't need all this stuff for a one day hunt, but he continued to load all my things. I never realized it took all this stuff to kill a deer. Those things must be extra hearty animals. I didn't complain until I saw him loading my baseball bat. I've always heard hunting called a sport, but I just don't see a herd of deer challenging us to a baseball game. He explained to me that guns kill deer, baseball bats beat the crud out of other hunters who try to take your deer. Somehow this whole trip seemed better to me with this explained. Which should I fear most, a 300 pound horned creature or a 200 pound beer guzzling human alone in the woods with me with a baseball bat? I think I saw this on a horror movie once.

So, we leave and drive for miles back through the wilderness and we arrive at our destination at five. I jump from the truck with great anticipation of laying eyes on my first deer. Not seeing any right off I asked the lady in the pink dress if she knew of any deer that need shooting. She explained that she was a waitress and didn't have time for shooting animals. Upon further investigation, I realized Ed had driven me to a roadside diner.

Seems, it's some sort of hunter bonding ritual for all the hunters to meet at a restaurant and discuss their day's agenda. I heard all of them describe where they were going and why they thought it was a good spot. Apparently they tell each other this to keep other hunters from coming into their area. Now, I had no idea where we were going, so I couldn't warn them out of my area. So, I stood up and announced I had a big baseball bat and would lambaste anyone who tried to take my deer. Ed got our order to go.

When we arrived at our spot of choice, we started unloading all of our gear. Not until we got all our stuff piled out of the truck and on the ground did we realize we forgot our guns. We made some discussion to the feasibility of hunting with the baseball bat. After this conversation took a turn towards using the bat on the fool that forgot the guns, we decided it best to drive back to Ed's house and get the guns.

It was about this time I decided that given how inept we seem to be at just going hunting, there was a good chance we wouldn't be coming back. While Ed got the guns I got me a notebook and pencil. I figured if I was going to end up like those Blair Witch people I'd keep a log of what happened.

7:00 am
Got back to the woods, Ed ate his first can of Beanie Weenies. Ed describes how Beanie Weenies give him gas. Ed demonstrates this principle.

7:20 am
Began to climb trees to our deer stands. Learn not to hold gun in hands while climbing tree. Ask Ed if he's okay after that fall he took or if I hit him.

8:00 am
Having been in the tree for five minutes decide to ask Ed why were up in trees. He explains that deer smell people and we climb trees so deer won't smell us and see us. Apparently Ed's logic is that deer don't normally walk around looking up in trees.

8:01 am
Explain the need to Ed that has come upon me to make a bodily function.

8:15 am
Arrive back at campsite to relieve myself. Decide afterwards to have a snack, rummage through our truck. I find a can of Coon Scent. Now, why would Bill want to smell like a raccoon? Then inspiration takes over, I spread coon scent all over myself. I figure if bychance deer do look up in my tree, they'll think I'm just a big raccoon!

8:36 am
Can't find Ed or my tree, seem to be wandering around in the woods. I can hear dogs in the distance.

8:50 am
Have been yelling for Ed for ten minutes, the dogs seem closer now.

9:20 am
Running from dogs who seem to think I'm a two legged raccoon in a flannel shirt.

9:50 am
Out of wind I break a couple of tree limbs, hoping to keep the dogs at a distance by striking at them. I raise the branches above my head to swing at the dogs when a crack rings out. I look up in the tree and there's Ed. I yell, 'Thanks for running those dogs off..." Crack Ed shoots again! It was about his time I realized holding those limbs above my head looked like antlers. I had just been converted from a flannel wearing raccoon to a deer.

10:15 am
Throw my last rock at Ed.

11:30 am
I see my first dear and raise my gun. I pull the trigger...click!

11:31 am
I remember accidentally firing my gun while trying to climb the tree. Reload gun and watch the deer run across the hill.

11:58 am
See five deer come into clearing grab gun. Drop gun out of tree. Gun fires on hitting the ground scaring the deer off.

12:30 pm
Bill has finished calling me names...Make note to look up some of these words when I get home.

5:40 pm
Bill has left for camp almost an hour ago, relating to me how I ruined everything. My prediction that if we waited long enough the five deer would come back seems to have not come true. I climb down and begin the walk back to camp.

6:30 pm
Still looking for camp.

7:00 pm
Realizing I'm lost, I start shooting into the air hoping someone will hear me.

7:10 pm
Out of ammunition and just fired my last shot, still lost. The five deer have just come back.

8:30 pm
Very hungry now, I find some berries to eat. They taste sort of funny.

8:40 pm
Feeling kind of woozy, a squirel seems to be following me now. I think those berries were bad.

9:00 pm
The squirel tells me I'm lost. I didn't know squirels could talk. I eat some more of those funny tasting berries.

9:30 pm
I'm chasing that squirel. He's taunted me for the last time! He just wants my berries! That's all squirrels ever want! Oh, they tell you they're your friend, but turn your back and they'll eat your berries!

August 8th, 2000
I woke up in the hospital after having my stomach pumped. Apparently those berries didn't just taste bad, they seemed to have been poisonous. Apparently, I had been found sitting on a rock, telling a tree how squirrels aren't to be trusted.

Yeah, I can see the draw in this "sport" to people. The next time I decide to try hunting, I intend to just go without food a couple of days, take a whole box of Ex-lax shoot myself in the foot and jump out of a tree. Hey, it's the same effect and I never even have to leave home!

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