This page ©1999 Chip Brown.

You Should Have Said I Won't

I am one of the fortunate in that I have a great marriage. -disclaimer added at the insistence of my wife.

But I got to thinking about divorce the other day, not getting one, but in reasons why other people do. I was watching Divorce Court on TV, and I learned a lot from that show. From a week of watching Divorce Court on TV I learned:

Women divorce men most often for staying out all night and coming home with their "Homeys" at 3:00am. Men divorce women because they nag and don't want them to be out with their "Homeys."

What's a Homey?

It seems all men have them but me, or at least all the men on Divorce Court.

Now, I asked myself, "what kind of idiot would get on TV to get a divorce?" Then I see at the end of the show that the show pays all your divorce fees if you appear on the show.

"Honey, I'm gonna' deeevorce you soon as I get me some money!" says he.

"Don't let that stop ye'," says she, "we'uns' will go on that Deevorce Court TV show!"

So off go the two yokels, happily to New York to air their dirty linen on national TV.

Now there's one thing certain about a yokel getting a divorce. Much like a tornado when it touches down, somebody's gonna loose a trailer.

I stopped at the Fountain City Duck Pond the other day. I had just stopped at Krispy Kreme and got a blueberry donut, which I highly recommend. Sitting there watching the kids attack ducks and geese attack kids I saw an interesting sign.

I had see this sign before, but something about the sugar coating on that donut and this being my 20th cup of coffee of the day made me see it in a new light. It read: Agreed Divorces $99.

Agreed divorces? If they agreed on anything would they need a divorce?

"Honeybabe I'm a saving up for me a divorce, I already got me $50!" Says he.

"Well sugar dumplin, I'll chip in the other $49." Says she.

Of good grief it never happens like that!

I say we need a whole new type of divorce in the United States. The man and the wife will get divorced on a gameshow. The questions will be in categories like Football, Fishing etc. for men. Women will have Color Matching, Finding Lost things, Toilet Lid Operation, etc.

The questions would be geared toward the category selected by the contestant. Like, in the category of finding lost things, we would have "Where can you find the TV remote?" The husband, being faster will answer "Ask my wife!" Nope, that's not it. "The wife will ring in and proudly proclaim, "wherever he left it." Which of course, would be the correct answer and the man is already behind.

Next we would move to the bonus round. In this round the two would square off in a ring with boxing gloves. Each contestant, husband and wife, would be handicapped by TV screens all around the ring. Half would be showing Oprah and the other half showing Baywatch. Whichever show went to commercial first would determine whether man or woman would have the advantage, because they could clobber the other while their show was still on. I think women might have the advantage here as I have seen men mesmerised by Baywatch even after it had been off for 20 minutes.

Finally, we would arrive at the offspring round. In this round we would determine who gets the kids with a spin of the wheel. And no matter who the wheel lands on, they must take the rugrats.

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