Channeling My Anger

Part of the appeal of writing foolishness every week, is that it's almost somewhat therapy for me. And I think everyone who reads my columns can agree, I need some of that therapy stuff. I started reading on the Internet some of those self-help pages that tell you how to deal with anger. I did everything they asked me to do. I re-examined myself, and no matter how many times I look in the mirror, it's still plain old me.

One of the pages had some statements that you fill in the rest, in your own words. The first one was "I have the power to channel..." They wanted me to finish that. This sounds like a line from one of those He-Man cartoons that came on in the eighties.

So, I clicked the help button, thinking possibly a little box would pop up and give me a hint of what they wanted me to say. No such luck, I was on my own. I thought long and hard about it and finally came up with:

I have the power to channel my thoughts into greater levels of paranoia and suspicion of those around me!

Then the next question asked me, do you ever hear voices in your head? Duh! Yeah, doesn't everybody? The other day I was at Walmart and my wife was looking at cards for her dad's birthday. I was standing there reading the funny cards and found one with these three bikini clad beauties on the front. I started to ask my wife if I could have this card. It was about that time I heard the voice. It said, "listen idiot, it ain't your birthday, it ain't the birthday of anyone you know, she won't believe you're buying it early for her birthday in December either." Then the voice said, "put it back, keep your mouth shut and she won't whack you upside the head." Maybe this makes me loony, but I think it was just common sense speaking to me.

After all, didn't some of our great historical figures hear voices? One of the great ladies of history heard voices, Joan of Arc! The voices told her to ride her horse naked through the streets!...They tell me I have Joan of Arc confused, that she got burnt at the stake. Wow, people complain today about getting 48 hours in jail for indecent exposure.

One of the pieces of advice one of the websites gave me in dealing with anger was to assume full responsibility for my actions. I think I do this more often than not. When I clean the house I make sure I call my wife and tell her. I always call and tell her "Hey! I cleaned the house or hey, I picked up my socks!" She then tells me I'm a good boy and that she's proud of me. I guess the only time I don't take responsibility for my actions is when I screw something up. I take responsibility then, if I can't find anyone else to blame it on. After all a great man once said "A good scapegoat is almost as good as a solution to the problem." And you can quote me on that.

Then this same article said, "There is no need to punish, deceive or compromise oneself." Well maybe not in this idiots world but you try to hold onto a job in the real world without those qualities. If you aren't ready to lie and cheat, it's certain some other guy will come along and lie you right out of employment.

A magazine article said the number one goal I should have, is to have control over myself. Thanks for stating the obvious there! I have never found myself walking across the floor wondering where my legs were taking me. Generally, they do whatever I tell them to do. If I woke up one morning and my legs, unknown to myself, have taken me to the zoo, I'm pretty sure I'll need more than advice from a magazine. Besides that, I'm not the one making me mad. It's all the other imbeciles in the world. What I need is an article that tells me how to control others!

Some of the other idiotic words of wisdom were things like, "Change your hurtful thoughts into something else." That one's easy for me. Usually, all my hurtful thoughts change themselves into reality. If I think something bad is about to happen, it usually does.

The doctor on the talk show the other day said I should make sure that I am grateful for all my good points. I thought long and hard and decided I'm grateful that I'm not as judgmental as all these idiotic morons who keep giving me advice.

The lady said I didn't need to suffer in silence. What an idiotic thing to say. If I was suffering in silence, nobody would be telling me I need therapy. If I was suffering in silence, I wouldn't be reading articles on rage! I think people tell me I need therapy because I'm yelling and screaming at people while I drive. If I just drove along suffering everyone's idiocy in silence, nobody would know they were an idiot. Further, nobody would be aware that I knew they were an idiot. They'd just blissfully go about being a moron because deep down they'd say, "If I were a moron, surely Chip would tell me." I simply don't understand why everyone that pulls out in front of me on the road doesn't thank me for alerting them to the fact that they are mentally defective.

It told me to share my experiences with others. It said I needed to find help for myself by helping others. I'm supposed to give advice? What kind of logic is that? I give people advice all them time. Most of my advice ends with "I told you so." This just sends others into a rage. I want to make myself better not spread the rage!

And the final piece of advice this article gave me for dealing with my anger...Seek things in life to find humor in. Now this is the only piece of advice I find to be useful out of all of it. I sit here in my office thinking up humorous things, I never knew I needed to go out and look for it. Okay, I guess I'll give it a try. I'm going to go out and fine someone to laugh at! You know, somehow I feel better already.

The contents of this page does not necessarily represent the opinions of Maynardville.Com, it's owners or the staff.