Kill To Survive

I watched that Survivor show the first time it was on. I was like 90% of the rest of America and I tuned in to see what was going to happen. The show turned out to be a flop, I figured that out in the first fifteen minutes. It took the rest of America six weeks. I don't think anybody gives a rat's patooty who wins now, they don't care if these morons ever get off the island as long as they get off their TV.

So, what went wrong with this show? I'll tell you what went wrong, there wasn't anything surviving about it. They let the people off the boat and they paddled their rafts to the island. Not just a raft, but a raft loaded with a ton of stuff. Not since Gilligan's island have so few people been stranded on an island with so much stuff.

The first episode was balanced around their attempt to follow a map and find fresh water. Was this map to a spring or creek? No, it was to a well! If I ever get stranded on a deserted island I will bet you two things. First I won't find and predrilled well for my drinking water. Second there will be no half naked native girls. Don't know why I added that but you can bet I'm right. There will probably be a big native man who hasn't seen a woman in twenty years that can't say my name. He'll probably just call me "pretty boy".

I'll tell you what I think they needed to do. They needed to drop them on the island from an airplane buck naked! Then the first thing wouldn't have been finding water it would have been finding fig leaves. If this had been part of the original show, I would have watched at least two episodes.

Second, the show needs some danger. Where's the headhunters? The show needs headhunters!

But the whole thing has nothing to do with survival, there is no fear of death. The whole thing has turned into some sort of show about which person whines the loudest and get's voted off the island by the rest of the whining bunch.

If I were going to write a show I would put my survival candidates in a true hostile environment, fraught with peril and danger. A place so scary and foreign, the people wouldn't know what to do.

I'd get all my candidates from Union County and drop them off in downtown New York at two in the morning. I'd make them all wear "I'm From Union County Tennessee" T-shirts. I'd give them each $1000 dollars in cash to make their way back home. So, where's the danger in that? Well, there's a twist, (you knew it didn't you?) after I dropped them off I would drive up the street yelling at the top of my lungs, "The people in the Union County shirts have $1000 cash!"

But if I were really going to do it, I would put my Survivor candidates on an island and leave them alone. I'd leave seven of them, each with one device. One would have matches, one would have a gun, one would have a shovel and so on. I'd leave them there for six months unbothered. Then when I went back the one still alive would get the money. I'll bet you before the week was out one of them would be whacked in the head with a shovel.

Then, we have the show Big Brother. On this show several people in their twenties are locked up in a house for three months. The show should be renamed Houseful of Whiners. Each week they vote out one of their housemembers and they last one there wins!

Now this has to be the stupidest bunch of morons I have ever seen. Here they are locked in a house for three months with no TV, no radio, no outside contact with the world, and what do they do? The first person the vote out is the exotic dancer! Not just an exotic dancer, but one who said on national TV she'd jump naked on a trampoline if they didn't vote her out. They keep a stock analyst but vote out the stripper!

I used to wonder what kind of idiot would sign up to be on one of these shows. Now I know, it's the kind of idiot that would rather have a stock analyst as a houseguest as an exotic dancer! There's no hope for morons like that! Except maybe government jobs.

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