The Time Machine

Years ago one of the first science fiction books I read was The Time Machine. Many days I spent after that with my young mind wondering at the things I might see and do should I have such a device. Recently I re-read the book and to my surprise my mind once again began to wonder at what such a device might allow.

This folks is the reason I have put my mind into overdrive and have started thinking about time travel again. If Einstein was correct and time travel is possible, I want to be the first to go. I've poured over books about Einsten and tried to figure how someone might build a time travelling device. I think it involves baling wire, some chewing gum and a box of rubber bands. But while I plotted and drew plans my mind began to wander as it usually does. I began to again have those boyish thoughts of all the wonders I could see if I could go back in time.

First and foremost I would go back and punch little Lonnie Webster right in the mouth for taking my lunch money in the third grade. I'm sure he thinks I've forgotten it now that I'm 34, but the surprise is on him. Once I get my time machine built, he'll be sorry. But really, there are numerous things I'd like to see and do through history.

I could go back to 3000 BC and watch the caveman invent he first wheel. Then I could go back to 2999 BC and myself build the first round wheel thereby causing the first caveman's wheel to be obsolete! I could corner the wheel market! Of course the first caveman would want to run me out of his village, because I was taking all his wheel business. But that's okay, I will use my trusty Bic Lighter to create fire and scare the daylights out of them!

My next stop would be about 2900 BC and I'd go to Egypt. Once in Egypt I'd stand on a street corner and ask someone why they call that thing the Sphinx. Then I would suggest that they call it Ed instead! Maybe I could change history! Everyone would be trying to solve the mystery of the Ed! But I'd probably just go back to ancient Egypt and try to sell Sphinx T-shirts to the natives.

Next I would journey to 1700 BC and stop by the British Isles. I'd ask the Druids exactly what they heck Stonehenge is supposed to be. If they tell me it's some sort of astronomical clock I'll tell them it's slow. My guess is that it was nothing like that. We have given it some sort of mystic meaning because we have no idea what it was. If you ever ask a scientist to explain something he doesn't understand they just use big words. Stonehenge, an ancient calculator? What sort of advanced society builds calculators out of stone? If this were true the cavemen would have started Microsoft. They had plenty of stones.

Then I'd next visit 1800 BC and watch the Babylonians create the first calendar. Of course the first Babylonian calendar only had 354 days, so I'd have to go back ten years later and see if they're surprised when winter starts in June.

I am told that the first money was created around 700 BC in Persia. So of course I'd have to take a gun there and be the first person in history to commit armed robbery. Then I'd stop by 699 BC and visit with the world's first counterfeiter.

Maybe I could spare a few moments to stop by 500 BC and watch the first Olympic games in Greece. I'll bet they would have been better back then. I understand that they competed naked! I would certainly like to watch the womens events! Luckily back then the was no Russia, so there shouldn't be any seven foot women with mustaches competing in gymnastics.

I wonder what it would be like to go back to 100 BC and see the Great Wall of China being built? I'd have to find out what their idea was. I know historians say it was to keep out the nomads, but I don't think so. I'll bet you it had something to do with their neighbor's dog pooping on their lawn. "You keep dog in your yard or I build big fence."

What was it like on December 31st, 1 BC? I remember watching all the hoopla over the Millennium thing last December. I sat there and watched all the doomsday reports and wondered...In 1 BC how did they decide what to call the next year? Was it zero? Or was it one?

In 80 AD I'd have to stop by Pompeii and tell everyone to buy some volcano insurance. Then as it erupted I'd laugh at all the imbeciles that didn't buy the insurance. I'd laugh harder at those that did though. Some insurance salesman got their money and they got covered with lava.

I'd stop by 1000 AD America and watch Leif Ericson discover America almost 700 years before Columbus got lost here. I'll bet you when Leif got to America some Indian paid him plenty wampum to not tell anyone. Held good for another 649 years.

After a quick stop at 1043 AD to see some Godiva lady ride a horse naked, I'd stop by 1100 AD Europe and watch the introduction of Roman Numerals. I'd go to a tax office and watch some guy try to figure out the taxes on MCMLXXXXII Lira at CLXXMII percent.

Maybe a stop by 1200 AD to see the Inquisition. I've always been interested in any group that tries to make you Holy by whacking you with things. You will be a Christian or we'll torture you! Luckily, they don't do that anymore. No, torture isn't allowed in church anymore, unless you count the choir on Sundays. Sometimes listening to them I would just as soon have the thumbscrews.

In 1300 AD what would become the world's first attempt at a stock exchange was created. I'd probably have to drop by there and buy some Xerox or Amazon.Com.

I would most certainly have to stop by 1492 to see Columbus get lost, crash his ship into the Bahamas, call the place San Salvador and call everyone there Indians. There had to be some native standing there saying "You takem wrong turn white man." Why do we call this guy the discoverer of America? He was lost, didn't discover anything, tried to make himself a ruler of the new land until the King and Queen had to lock him up as a lunatic? The only reason nobody recognizes Amerigo Vespucci as the real discoverer of the new land was his insistence that it be called The United States of Vespucci.

I'd need to make a stop by 1500 Rome and watch Michelangelo paint the ceiling of the Cistene Chapel. I've always wondered why would anyone do that? I'll bet it was court ordered. I'll bet you Michelangelo probably graffitied up the ceiling with something like "The Pope is a Hosehead" and some judge made him cover it up.

Next, maybe a stop to meet a man named Ivan in 1550. Then later in 1568 when they start calling him Ivan the Terrible, I can say "I knew him back in 1550 when he was Ivan the Pretty Bad."

In 1672 I'd stop by New England and encourage all the people to take some time out of their busy witch burning to celebrate 100 years of religious freedom in the New World.

No doubt I would stop in 1763 to see the French and Indian war end. First I'd like to see who won as nobody seems to know today. Second I'd want to know what the gripe was about. I bet the Indians won, because they're still around, don't see many Frenchies anymore do you?

In 1770 I'd stop by Boston and witness the three shootings that started the Revolution in America. Then I'd fast forward to 2000 and watch nobody pay any attention to three shootings on any Saturday night in Boston.

The first English dictionary was created in 1785, so I'd have to make a quick stop by there to look up dirty words and giggle.

I'd have to stop by 1779 to See Admiral John Paul Jones utter his famous words, "I have not yet begun to fight!" Of course, I'd have to point out how stupid it is to say that while your ship is sinking.

Most people don't realize it but in 1805 Robert Fulton invented the world's first torpedo. Not until 1807 did he invent the first steamship. I figure he only invented the ship to have something to try his torpedo on.

I'd need to stop by New Orleans in 1815 to tell Andrew Jackson congratulations at winning the Battle of New Orleans. Then I'd break the news to him that the war of 1812 had been over for a month. Dang, mail was slow in those days.

I'd like to join the 1911 expedition that discovered the South Pole. Once we got there I'd say something like, "Wow this looks just like the North Pole."

Maybe a stop by Germany in 1945 would be in order. I'd like to visit the members of the parole board who let Hitler out of prison early in 1924 after saying they thought he was no longer a danger to society.

You know, the more I think about a time machine, the more I realize two things. 1) Living in the year 2000 isn't that much different than back then and 2) The things I would want to see with my time machine have changed since my youth. Back then I just wanted to see dinosaurs.

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