This page ©1999 Chip Brown.
Save The Cows
Now I've heard everything. Just when the Save the Whale people start going away, another group wants to save cows. Why would anyone want to save the cows? What are we going to do return them to the wild?
On the radio this morning Walker and Andy (idiots I listen to every morning
on WKVL here in Knoxville) told me about a group that is actively promoting
the ethical treatment of cows. They offer a 900 number to give
their reasons why we should save the cows.
There's even a billboard in Knoxville urging the ethical treatment of cows. Now, I'm a real American and I say the only treatment a cow deserves is a good treatment in A-1 Sauce. I say, if we didn't raise them for food they'd have been gone years ago.
Why on earth do they want to save cows? Are cows endangered? No! They're everywhere, look out your window and you'll see a cow. What good are they if not for eating?
I suggest to you cows would have been extinct years ago if it hadn't been for us eating them! What other reason is there to have cows around? It's not like they exist in the wild. Ever seen a wild cow? If we're going to return them to the wild, shouldn't we know where they roam the wild? Maybe we should commission some multi-billion dollar government study of wild cows. All the cows I've ever seen once they gain their freedom, seem to just wonder around the side of the road. Maybe this is where cows roam wild. Somewhere in the world cows just wander the roads.
Do they make good pets? No! I've never been able to train one to use a litterbox. If my cat has an accident in the floor I can clean it up. If my cow has an accident it means a whole new livingroom carpet. And besides that, who wants to try to watch TV at night with a cow on their lap?
Do cows make good watch animals? Does a burglar look at a house and say, "I better not break into that house, they have a big cow"? No!
I'm telling you, if we listen to these people and quit eating cows they'll take over our planet. They'll start overpopulating and pretty soon you won't be able to leave your house without running into cows! They'll form gangs (herds) and start attacking innocent people for their hay! It won't be safe to walk down the street with hay in your pocket.
They'll start riding motorcycles and hang out in seedy milk bars. Most likely the milk bar will have a mechanical human for all the macho bulls to ride. It's only a matter of time and you all know it. They wear leather don't they?
Their revolutions already started. Just four years ago a band of cows in England went mad and tried to take over the country. Oh they said it was a disease, but I know the truth. It was their first attempt.
Once they take over they'll put us all in fenced in reservations. Every Wednesday the truck will come and the cows will force some of us inside. Then they'll take us to a place where we will be sold to other cows. Our whole lives will be lived on these reservations with no more to do than to exist until that one day. The one day they load you in the truck, but you don't get sold.
The lucky ones of us will be sold to cows for show. They'll have their own 4-H (hoof) club and will display us to be judged. Still others of us will be made to perform. We'll be put in pens and saddled. Then when the gate opens we'll be made to run around with a cow on our back. All this just so one cow can claim he rode the human in the rodeo.
It's them or us, the way I see it. They're smarter than you think. Just look at the way they watch us. They're plotting and planning I can see it on their faces! You start setting them free and there's no telling what might happen. Back in the 1800's one got free and burnt down Chicago. Is that what you want for Union County? A band of cows running around setting fire to houses?
I'm telling you people, if you don't eat cows, that's what's going to happen. Then, pretty soon they'll start mixing into society. Your daughter will come home with some cow as her boyfriend! It's not a pretty picture is it?
That's why I propose that we take guns now and start shooting all the cows we see! Shoot them before they can carry out their plan! Shoot them dead and cut their carcasses up into little pieces! Take the little pieces and put them in my freezer! Then as a community service I'll burn them on my gas grill and dispose of them in my dining room! It's the least I can do!
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