This page ©1999 Chip Brown.
Are We Stupid?
Don't let people tell you that we are hicks, here in Union County. Watch the news. Everytime someone is lost in the mountains or bit by a snake, they're here on vacation. Why is this? Because Union Countians are much too bright to go walking in the mountains at night, and we know better than to crawl through the underbrush during summer.
But let some idiotic tourist come down here and get snake bit, bear mauled, or lost in the woods, and our rescue squad has to go drag their carcasses from the woods.
The human species has got to be the dumbest single species on Earth. We are the only species, who can call itself, it's only natural enemy. In the wild, mice fear cats, cats fear dogs, it's just the way it is. But, in our nature man must fear himself.
Can humor be found in misfortune and death? Of course! Humor can be found in any circumstances. You just have to look close enough.
Last night I was watching the news. I saw something that I'm afraid made me laugh. Now, let me say up front, that I am sorry for this lady and her family. It is sad and tragic when anyone dies. But facts are facts and speak for their own humor.
Yellowstone Park, has banned base jumping since the seventies. Base jumping is climbing to the top of a cliff and jumping off with a parachute, by the way. Well, there was a group of people protesting the ban. They drove to the top of this cliff and in protest of the ban staged a base jump for the news media. They were full aware they would be arrested. They were sure though, that their point would be made, as to the safety of base jumping.
They had a great plan! News media crowded around, and people stood at the base of the cliff. Now, to further drive their point home, they decided the first to jump would be a ninety year old woman. Nothing could show just how safe this was, like a ninety year old woman jumping from a four hundred foot cliff. Great idea in theory, it just didn't quite work in reality.
With a leap she took flight from the top of the cliff. With a thud she hit the ground right in front of the cameras. Apparently, her parachute didn't open. Also apparent, ninety year old women can't fly. She died on impact.
Yes sir, nothing demonstrates how safe a cliff is, like pitching grandma off the edge and to her death. -Chip
Some more stories of human stupidity.
Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in
Newton, when, awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside his bed,
he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson .38 Special,
which discharged when he drew it to his ear.
A Pancake Pantry employee, noting how successful the place was, thought it would be a perfect place to rob. Early one morning, he climbed on the roof and reached the exhaust chute that hangs over the Pantry's large flat grill. Upon inspection, the brainiac realized that he couldn't fit through the tight passage dressed. He removed his clothes and slid down the exhaust chute buck naked.
Imagine the surprise of the opening crew for the restaurant that morning! As they prepared for the morning's breakfast, they were horrified to find a naked man dangling from the exhaust chute just above the grill.
It seems that the chute was so tight, there was no room for error. As he
slid down the chute, he slipped and caught his own arm under his chin, where
he stuck. He died by suffocating himself.
In Michigan, it seems some guy thought it would be a good idea to "move"
a downed wire from his car. Newspapers say it took a full minute of
neighbors whacking away at him with a 2x4 to free their freshly fried former
friend from the fatal flashing.
The Arizona Highway Patrol were mystified when they came upon a pile of smoldering metal embedded into the side of a cliff rising above the road, at the apex of a curve. The wreckage resembled the site of an airplane crash, but it was a car. The type of car was unidentifiable at the scene. The folks in the lab finally figured out what it was, and what had happened.
It seems that a former Air Force Sergeant had somehow got hold of a JATO unit. JATO (or Jet Assisted Take Off) units are actually a solid-fuel rocket used to give heavy military transport planes an extra push for taking off from short airfields.
Dried desert lakebeds are the location of choice for breaking the world ground vehicle speed record. The sergeant had driven his Chevy Impala into the desert, and found a long, straight stretch of road. Then he attached the JATO unit to his car, jumped in, got up some speed, and fired off the rocket.
The facts, as best as could be determined, are as follows.
The operator was driving a 1967 Chevy Impala. He ignited the JATO unit approximately 3.9 miles from the crash site. This was established by the location of a prominently scorched and melted strip of asphalt. The Impala quickly reached a speed of between 250 and 300 mph (350-420kph) and continued at that speed, under full power, for an additional 20-25 seconds. The soon-to-be pilot experienced G-forces usually reserved for dog-fighting F-14 jocks under full afterburners.
The automobile remained on the straight highway for approximately 2.6 miles (15-20 seconds) before the driver applied the brakes, completely melting them, blowing the tires, and leaving thick rubber marks on the road surface. The vehicle then became airborne for an additional 1.3 miles, impacting the cliff face at a height of 125 feet and leaving a blackened crater 3 feet deep in the rock.
Most of the driver's remains were not recoverable; however, small fragments of bone, teeth, and hair were extracted from the crater, and fingernail and bone shards were removed from a piece of debris believed to be a portion of the steering wheel.
Ironically, a still-legible bumper sticker was found, reading "How do you
like my driving? Dial 1-800-EAT-CRAP."
Randy Nestor, 28, was a considerate car thief. When the stolen cars became hot, he didn't just abandon them, he torched them. Setting the cars on fire, he reasoned, helped the owners collect insurance on their vehicles.
This criminal habit became his downfall. After a 10-year career of theft, Randy burned to death in Pittsburgh, PA in a van which he had set fire to from the inside. He hadn't realized that the door handle on the driver's side was broken. Friends tried to release him, but the door was locked. His burned body was found inside the van on Sunday.
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