This page ©1999 Chip Brown.

Monster Wanted

I have wondered for some time now, as to what Union County needed to boost it's tourism. Oh, we have businesses here, but generally it's just locals buying in local businesses. That's fine, but there is only so much capital in Union County, locally. What we need is an infusion of cash, from people who will come here, spend loads of cash, and then leave without trying to change our way of life.

That's why, I propose, If I am elected to office, I will immediately begin work to secure a monster for our county. I don't know what a good quality monster costs these days, but I'm sure there are government grants for such things.

Oh, I'm not saying we need a Godzilla, or anything on that scale. A good averaged sized Yeti would be fine. Now we have this lake, why not a good lake monster? Something serpent like with humps. Not unlike those things seen by boaters, on Memorial Day, while out boating with their friends Budweiser and Pabst.

I'm telling you, people would come from miles around to see our lake monster. Stranger things have happened, I'm telling you. And stranger things have been funded by our county, in my opinion.

They won't do it though. They'd rather spend their money on parks and stuff. Not that I'm against parks, or anything. But if someone told me Union County has a nice park, I might be happy for them. However, if someone told me Union County has a lake monster, I'm driving there, stopping at the Pizza Parlor for a pizza (one of those with the hot peppers) and I'm driving to the lake to monster watch. It's just simple human nature, that parks don't draw the crowds that a good monster does.

Maybe we need a park monster too! Maybe a Yeti for Big Ridge? Then we combine parks and monsters. Shoot I see this getting bigger than Disneyland!

Only problem is, if my monster becomes successful, everyone will go into the monster business. It will be bigger than junkyards and car lots. If someone thinks I've made a dime with my monster, there will be a monster on every corner. Then cut rate monsters. Then finally, Wal-Marts will just start giving monsters away, and nobody will make any money, in the monster business. I'd have to get exclusive monster rights from our County Court.

Maybe, I could get a job as monster coordinator. I could appoint a monster committee and such. I could get an office at the courthouse, and sit and tell people how there is a monster budget shortfall this year.

Well, I don't see the current government here going for such a progressive plan. Maybe it could be a private venture. Shoot, I'm getting a Mason jar right now. I'm going to start this monster drive with my own five dollars. I'll put a Mason jar in every business, right there beside the homecoming queen jar. I'll stand in the middle of the road, with a bucket, and ask motorists to donate to the monster fund!

And if I don't raise the money to buy a monster, I'll just lie about it. I'll tell everyone theres a monster in the lake. I'll bet before the year is out everyone will be spotting it.

I say we just start writing letters right now to all our elected officials, telling them we support the Lake Monster Project!

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